I like my sex mixed with concussions.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
