By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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