I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
