Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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