I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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