i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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