I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize