either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
