Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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