I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
