dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
