Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
this must be what syphilis tastes like
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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