Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
