i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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