I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
