having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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