We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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