The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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