i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You took a bar mat shot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Randomize
