I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
