At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
