A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
