now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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