Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
