Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
