I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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