Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
