dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
