I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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