I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
