I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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