these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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