so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
