if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
