Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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