fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
