So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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