I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
