He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
