yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
