i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
