none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
