apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
