Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
