dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
