Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
