oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
