tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
