so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
