Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
