I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
