ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I party with great urgency now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
