dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
