Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
