I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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