I think scott just propositioned me for sex
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
